My God, I Hate Progesterone

I knew it would be bad right from the beginning. Nothing good can come from something that starts with a nurse saying, "You have two options. You can either take it as an intramuscular injection or a vaginal suppository."

Well, gee. How does a girl choose? Both sound utterly delightful.

But just for fun, let's examine our options, shall we?

Option A: Intramuscular Injection. Translation: Big Ol' Shot in the Ass. With a BIG needle, not one of those pansy-ass sub-cutaneous things. Every day.

As flexible as I may be, and as big as my ass is getting*, that would be a seriously tricky maneuver to pull off by myself.

Which means my husband would have to do it.

And I shudder to think what he would do with that kind of power.

So, it was a "NO" on Option A. Because really, IVF is a figurative pain in the ass already, why go and make it literal, too?

So I was left with Option B: Vaginal Suppositories. I thought, So I have to shove a small(ish) capsule up my vajay-jay twice a day? Big deal. This sounded like a cake walk after all the other torturous aspects of IVF.

The nurse handed them over and said, "Keep them refrigerated."

I didn't think to question this. I've had to keep other medications refrigerated before and I always just figured it was for the same reason you refrigerate food--- so it doesn't spoil.

Well, there is another, very specific reason the suppositories must be kept cold.

THEY MELT.

(and just in case you haven't gotten there on your own already, I'll continue...)

So, guess what happens when they are nestled into a warm cozy vagina? Yes, very good, class. They MELT. Or perhaps LEAK would be a better term at this point. SLOWLY. THROUGHOUT THE DAY. ALL DAY.

Yes.

And if the leaky vagina isn't enough for you, here is a list of other side effects**.

headache
breast tenderness or pain
upset stomach
vomiting
diarrhea
constipation
tiredness
muscle, joint, or bone pain
mood swings
irritability
excessive worrying
vaginal discharge
problems urinating

Diarrhea AND constipation? How exactly does that work? And the vaginal discharge? Well, how would you even know...

But my personal favorite is the "excessive worrying". As if I needed an extra push in that direction.

But, the VERY BEST part of all this?

The side effects of progesterone are almost exactly the same as the symptoms one might experience in early pregnancy. So allow me to add one more side effect to the list:

FUCKING WITH YOUR MIND!


*Admit it, you thought that would be a link to a picture of my ass didn't you? You know you did.

**Mom: I've tried to tell the doctors that both you and I are very sensitive to medication and could I please just insert HALF of the suppository? They said no.

Edited comment: My husband just finished reading this, and all he has to say is, "Can't they give you some kind of plug?"