When I awoke this morning and the realization that I am pregnant came to me all over again, I wept. I am pregnant. I AM PREGNANT. I feared for so very long that I would never be able to say that.
I am pregnant.
I am overjoyed.
I can watch tv without changing the channel every time a commercial with a baby comes on. I can plan my best friend's bridal shower without wondering if I'll be able to enjoy it. I can google "baby names" until my fingers fall off. My husband is insisting on referring to me as his 'baby mama', and I like it. Hell, I'm even inserting the progesterone suppository without an ounce of resentment.
The fear is not gone. Something that lived inside of me every day for so long can not be evicted so easily.
It is very unsettling to be feeling such different emotions so strongly at the same time. Joy and fear. It seems that if I let myself revel in the joy for too long, the fear creeps up behind me and whispers, "Uh, hey now, not so fast. You know it is early. You know bad things can still happen. You know you are not out of the woods yet."
And just when the fear has nestled back in, the joy comes to me and shouts, "What the hell is wrong with you?! Can't you just be happy? Finally, finally, this has happened for you, and you are going to let fear get in the way?"
So, they are battling it out inside of me, this joy and this fear. I'm rooting for the joy, I really am. It's the underdog around here, and it's about time it wins.