Saturday, February 17, 2007

Joy and Fear

When I awoke this morning and the realization that I am pregnant came to me all over again, I wept. I am pregnant. I AM PREGNANT. I feared for so very long that I would never be able to say that.

I am pregnant.

I am overjoyed.

I can watch tv without changing the channel every time a commercial with a baby comes on. I can plan my best friend's bridal shower without wondering if I'll be able to enjoy it. I can google "baby names" until my fingers fall off. My husband is insisting on referring to me as his 'baby mama', and I like it. Hell, I'm even inserting the progesterone suppository without an ounce of resentment.

But.

The fear is not gone. Something that lived inside of me every day for so long can not be evicted so easily.

It is very unsettling to be feeling such different emotions so strongly at the same time. Joy and fear. It seems that if I let myself revel in the joy for too long, the fear creeps up behind me and whispers, "Uh, hey now, not so fast. You know it is early. You know bad things can still happen. You know you are not out of the woods yet."

And just when the fear has nestled back in, the joy comes to me and shouts, "What the hell is wrong with you?! Can't you just be happy? Finally, finally, this has happened for you, and you are going to let fear get in the way?"

So, they are battling it out inside of me, this joy and this fear. I'm rooting for the joy, I really am. It's the underdog around here, and it's about time it wins.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

YOU'RE PREGNANT! YOU'RE PREGNANT! YOU'RE PREGNANT! YOU'RE PREGNANT! YOU'RE PREGNANT! YOU'RE PREGNANT! YOU'RE PREGNANT! YOU'RE PREGNANT!

YAY!!!! I am rooting for joy too!!

~Sarah

Adrienne said...

Let the joy win!!!! That is completely in your power - kinda cool that you can fix the race, isn't it? ;-)

Aurelia said...

One day at a time.

Seriously, enjoy each day for what it is, and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

It's the only way to make it through...

Tinker said...

Enjoy the joy while it's there, because the fear never completely leaves. The next worry is the doubling of beta numbers, then the heartbeat, then the nuchal scan and the end of the first trimester.... It's not easy, but it does get easier and as you start hitting viability markers like 24 weeks, the fear will come much less.

Very soon you'll be a wonder-filled, sleep-deprived, diaper-changing, feeding station, and happy about every minute.

Melissa said...

AHHHHHHHHH! Susan, I accidentally hit the "flag blog for objectionable content" button on my navbar when I was reading this post! I already emailed to Blogger to let them know that it was not purposefully flagged. I'm sorry! I'm sure one accidentally flagging won't affect anything... Sorry!

Sara said...

Congratulations!!!!!!

I'm definitely voting for joy. There's no reason to be unhappy unless you are forced to be. Right now, you have reason to rejoice, so I hope that you can manage to do so.

This is such great news! YAY!!!!

Sarah said...

i totally understand, i think i would not be able to let go of the fear completely until the baby was born. but i think that is true for a lot of fertile mommas too. it is okay to let go of IF, and maybe the joy will come easier.

Nicole said...

I found out I am pregnant last week too. I have a weird mix of joy and terrible fear as well. I know how all of this could turn at any moment. I am trying not to focus on that, but it is so very hard. Really, I am absolutely terrified. Sooo, on the optimism side, I am due on October 22nd, how about you?

ava said...

Oh wow, we did post almost the exact same thing! I just wanted to tell you that since I posted about the ever-present fear, and read all the good things everyone had to say, and went out and got myself a ticker, I've started to believe that maybe everything really is going to be ok.

Another friend who went through infertility and now has healthy twin boys told me that it just takes time, and so far I think that is absolutely true. I feel much better at 6 weeks than I did at 4 weeks, and I think that will just continue.

One tiny bit of advice I have is to try to stay away from reading too much about pregnancy loss. For me, it's just not something I can handle very well right now.

Yay!! You're pregnant!!

:)

Bumble said...

I'm sure you're scared, but for now, for this moment, you are pregnant! Hooray! Just try to take it one day at a time and worry only if you have a reason to worry. Easier said than done, but you deserve some joy now, so enjoy it!!

Meg said...

Congrats....thats great I find it much easier to feel good for the friends that have tried so hard that are infertile that my other friends. Have a sundae to celebrate and heres to a healthy and happy pregnancy....
Meg

Watson said...

I will sneak up on Fear when it's not looking (maybe, um, ordering ice cream or something) and hold its hands behind its back while Joy (and Hope for back up) kicks its ass!!!!

And I love what Aurelia said about taking it one day at a time.

Much MUCH congratulations and good wishes your way!!!

Hopeful Mother said...

I'm rooting for joy too. Let's kick the pessimism to the curb and try to enjoy pregnancy... it took SO MUCH to get here that we might as well enjoy it!

Congrats again!

Angi said...

Just wanted to drop by and say congratulations! Let the Joy win, you deserve it!

Angi

Venusuvian Debs said...

Wow, how long did it take to write that blog! It was truly entertaining!!! Happy Pregnancy!

hope548 said...

Congratulations! I totally understand your inner conflict. It's such a shame that after so much shit to get pregnant, now it's difficult to enjoy it. I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy all the way to a wonderfully easy birth to a healthy baby!

Nearlydawn said...

I am so excited for you!!! Trust me, I know what you are feeling! I am optomistic one moment and pessimistic the next.

Who knew that as soon as you got the BFP you would get on a new IF Rollercoaster? There is so much fear involved.

I'm right here with you, and I look forward to us both making the journey to the end. :)

BTW - I found that a GREAT way to celebrate just a little was to find that one friend you can trust to keep a secret and tell them. Then ask them to be cautiously optomistic. Hee hee. It is a lot of comfort to know your friend is suffering too, oh I mean pulling for you. LOL

I'll keep you in my prayers!

Dawn