Tuesday, February 6, 2007

I'm Too Sexy For This Infertility

Okay, in honor of Watson, who made me laugh with her MC Hammer reference, but also in honor of my husband who sings "We Built This City" (as in, "on rock and roll" by Jefferson Starship, or Starship, or Ship or whatever they call themselves now) in soft, lullabye-like tones while gazing lovingly into my eyes, here is my infertility journey as told through top billboard hits of the 80s- the present.

My husband and I would Bang A Gong each month, right on time. I mean, we were really Knockin' Da Boots, Time After Time. And nothing. So, we went to the doctor and he said it would be Against All Odds that we would conceive a child on our own. I couldn't stand the thought of not having a baby. I said, I Can't Go For That, No Can Do. So, I went to a doctor and he gave me some Bad Medicine. I said I Want A New Drug! These meds turned me into a Maniac and forced me to keep asking, "Is it Hot In Herre or is it just me?" And My Hips Don't Lie, I was gaining weight. I mean, I am Bootylicious now.
When our first IVF try failed, I thought Another One Bites the Dust. But we were Too Legit To Quit. There was Always Something There To Remind Me how much I wanted a baby. Fertile people kept offering me ass-vice like, "Don't Worry Be Happy" and "just drink some Red Red Wine, it worked for us!" and "You gotta have Faith." But we knew those things weren't going to work for us.
So much for the old fashioned way of making babies. What's Love Got to do With It? For us, it meant I had to Lean Back and let the doctors root around Down Under. And as for my husband, he had to get it Straight Up and Beat It while looking at pictures of Dirty Diana in the sperm sample room.
Next came the Bills, Bills, Bills. Now we just have to Hold On and wait. Hopefully this cycle will work for us or maybe we'll get lucky with our frozen embryos and have an Ice Ice Baby.

Oh, goodness. I hope you all can forgive this. It's the two week wait and I'm just trying to occupy myself.

(And, someone please, please read the lyrics for We Built This City, and tell me what the hell they are talking about.)


LT said...

Okay...we're going right now to look at the lyrics...and BTW...is he really old enough to know that song...was he even born yet??? Just kiddin...but seriously...I have just now been able to close my mouth...from the "oh my god...i can't believe she's saying this all...and we're reading it." :) You're awesome...and do whatever it takes to get you through the next 2 weeks...tried calling you at home today but no answer. In our thoughts...and off we go to look at lyrics.

all our love...

L and T

Melissa said...

Oh. My. Gosh.

That is so freaking hilarious! Pure genius!!!

Melissa said...

Temperatures come in single digits??? Ouch.

Anonymous said...

*PMP* I just peed a little heeheehee. I think you must win an award for that one.

Off to Google a discussion on Starship "We built this city"....there must be one to be had.

The sweet man.... *giggle*

Anonymous said...


Here you go! :)


Susan said...

Thanks for the link Sarah. Good lord, why would anyone spend the time writing about, defending even, that song?! Is that author the one they are talking about in the song? Is he counting the money underneath the bar? Is he riding the wrecking ball in two rock guitars? Is he angry that someone stole the stage? ;)

Tinker said...

Oooooh, you are desperately trying to pass this wait.

And thanks for making me feel old and pathetic that I instantly recognize all the 80s references, but not some of the newer stuff.

Bumble said...

That was BRILLIANT. You had me laughing my ass off or LMAO as they say in the classics... I particularly loved:
"And as for my husband, he had to get it Straight Up and Beat It while looking at pictures of Dirty Diana in the sperm sample room." Ha ha haaaaa!

Anonymous said...

Well Susan, the bottom line is this:
“Someone’s always playing corporation games. Who cares, they’re always changing corporation names”. A simple rhyme, and yes it sound really funny coming from Starship, formerly Jefferson Starship, who began as Jefferson Airplane. But let’s not confuse the messenger with the message. ~quote

Need we say more?
next song? (this could be a great time suck. :))

RevaLou said...

How long did it take you to come up with all that? It was great! The songs of my youth, how do you know them all, lol. The mental images that are now swimming through my mind. I don't think I can ever face your hubby again.
Love Ya!

hope548 said...

That was fantastic and I knew all of the songs!

Carol said...

oh my. this is too funny. brilliantly done.

Watson said...

That was freakin' HILARIOUS woman!

I snorted with laughter at the Beat It reference -- too clever.

I only hope that one day soon, maybe on a Manic Monday, you'll shout a Rebel Yell of joy and happiness, and you won't be Waiting On The World To Change for much longer!