Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The Favor

***Now with updates***

Well, thanks girls, now I feel like a lazy slob. When faced with a difficult wait, you pass the time by reading classic novels and building decks while I fondle my own breasts and eat everything but my cat.

But seriously, thank you for the worthy suggestions. I haven't actually tried any of them yet, but you may be pleased to know that I have at least resumed brushing my teeth and showering. And my husband has returned from his mother's house.

It has since occurred to me that perhaps my husband's prolonged absence was not, in fact, due to my mood swings but was, rather, the result of my disregard for personal hygiene combined with the inevitable consequences of consuming large quantities of bean-filled spicy chili. But I bet you guys had already figured that out and were just too nice to say anything, huh?

So, 3 days to go. And to pee or not to pee, that is the question that is plaguing me today. Tomorrow will be 11dp3dt, which means there is a good chance the result will be reliable.

Reasons to go ahead and test tomorrow: 11 is my lucky number. And it is Valentine's Day. It is also quite likely to be a snow day. All good omens, right?

Reasons not to test tomorrow: if it is negative, why would I want to know that two days sooner? Not knowing is allowing me to feel that little spark of hope that has kept me afloat since we started this cycle. A negative would poke a hole right in that hope sending me sinking into the deep and murky waters of pain and loss. I've spent way too much time there this past year, and I am in no hurry to go back.

Whenever I decide to get the results, I have a favor to ask. At the risk of sounding a bit selfish and bossy (me? never!), I'd like to make some requests about how you handle the result. I am doing this because I know that you genuinely want to support me in ways that are helpful and comforting to me. And it can be so difficult to know what to do or say. So, I'll make it a bit easier for you (see, I'm not really selfish, this is all for YOU!)

If it is positive: Well, this one is easy. For my bloggy friends, comment your asses off! For my IRL friends and family... anything goes really. Please celebrate with me, call me, send cards, hug me, take me out for non-alcoholic drinks, or just offer a simple congratulations. Whatever works for you is cool with me. We will do this cautiously and quietly, however, as we all know there are many more hurdles to jump.

If it is negative (and dear god dear god dear god please don't be negative): Here's where it gets complicated. For my friends from the blogosphere, again, comments that express your sympathy would be welcomed and appreciated. I can read them in my own time, when I am ready, without having to give anything back right away. For my IRL friends, commenting on my blog and/ or sending emails is the perfect way to help me stay connected to you even when I am not feeling like talking or seeing anyone. After my last cycle failed, two of my good friends sent me flowers, which also was perfect. It didn't ask anything of me, but it gave me a gentle reminder that people loved me and were thinking of me. I have learned this about myself: when I am sad or angry, I need space and time alone. I need to sit with the sadness, let it wash over me completely, and feel it deeply. Sometimes this makes other people uncomfortable. Or worried. And then I feel burdened by their worry. Please know that I just need to feel my feelings in order to make it through the darkness of the grief and come out the other side into the light again. Please be waiting there for me. And know that any absence or lapse in communication is not because I don't need you or trust you or value your friendship... I'm holding you in my heart the whole time, and I ask that you hold me in yours.

And now, let's all send lots of positive thoughts out into the universe in hopes that we will never have to think again about anything in that last paragraph.

***It's Wednesday morning and I didn't pee. Well I peed, of course, but not on a HPT. I'm holding out until Friday. It's not strength, as Tinker so kindly suggested, it is plain old fear. Sorry, that news isn't as exciting as the asterisks and red print might lead you to expect, but I felt I should let you know! Thank you, thank you, everyone, for your positive thoughts... I can feel them coming my way.

19 comments:

Tinker said...

Tomorrow is a good day. You're certainly a much stronger woman than I am if you hold out past tomorrow -- I've been thinking about POAS all day already!

Susan said...

Oh, it's not strength, Tinker, it's fear.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Susan for that post. I helps to know how we can best love and support you.
You are so awesome. I am here for you, with every ounce of hope in my heart and soul.

~Sarah

Bumble said...

Oh Susan that last paragraph almost had me tjunking away, please please, I hope we never have to worry about that and we can celebrate a lovely positive result. Hoping hoping hoping xxx

Anonymous said...

i've been faithfully reading your blog. i really don't even know you, but think about you so often and PRAY for a positive outcome for you. you are an amazing writer and hilarious! can't wait to read everyday to see what's happening. good luck tomorrow...whether you take it or not. happy valentines day!!!

Carol said...

You expressed perfectly exactly how I felt after every negative - I have hidden away and licked my wounds, and hoped that my real life friends didn't take it personally.

To pee or not to pee? Here's how I think of it - it's really all about the negative scenario. If you knew it was going to be positive - then of course you would test right away. But it's really about how you want to handle the worst case. So - if the real result is negative:

1)do you want to know ahead of time so you can throw that bitch hope out the window and not kid your self for two more days unnecessarily and just get on with getting over it.

2) do you not want to know, and put off the inevitable disappointment, and enjoy feeling the hope for a few more days until you get your beta. Why not put off the kick in the gut for a few more days.

The last few cycles I've gone with #2. I've been too afraid to know. I decided it was easier to keep thinking "I might be pregnant", then to have to face thinking "I'm not pregnant". So I've held out.

RevaLou said...

Always know that we are here for you whenever you need us. Seeing you on a daily basis it's sometimes difficult because I don't always know how to approach you. Thanks for the tips and know that I am right across the hall.
Love ya!

theoneliner said...

holy cow. good luck. i hope, hope, hope that this is it for you.

Watson said...

I am sending you all the positive vibes I can get my grubby little hands on...whatever you decide in terms of POAS, we'll be here for you.

I'm glad you wrote about what you need from your bloggy and 'real' friends, but here's hoping it's all about the YAY and congratulations!!

And I have no good ideas for the 2ww...after my IUIs I also ate everything not bolted to the floor and watched lots of General Hospital on Tivo.

Cleaning or anything remotely productive or healthy?

God no.

Anyhoo, wishing you much luck my dear.

xoxo

Sarah said...

it's so great that you can give your family and friends this guidance. i just avoid telling them any details so i don't have to deal with how to tell them about negatives. your way is much better.

i'm totally against testing early but i think tomorrow is long enough. that will be 14dpo, right? seems like a reasonable time. and no way i could sit home all day on a snow day and NOT test.

thanks for the well wishes on my blog. best of luck to you too, i'll be anxiously awaiting your result!

Adrienne said...

I'm sending so many positive vibes your way that my brain hurts.

And if you gotta pee, you gotta pee.

Good luck!

Pamela Jeanne said...

Mustering all kinds of positive thoughts and sending them directly to you from the Bay area! Will be at the ready either way to support you. All the best!!

Nicole said...

Lots of positive thoughts headed your way. And we promise that we are patiently waiting. No hurry, my friend. Write only when you are ready.

Tinker said...

Aw crap. Now I have to wait until at least Friday too. Man!

I was all geared up to hear your good news this morning and POAS myself tomorrow.

...how to spoil a girl's plans.

Anonymous said...

Here's to tomorrow. You know I am ALWAYS hoping for the best for you! You are an amazing woman, friend, and will be an AMAZING mother. I love you!

-April

Sara said...

I hate the testing dilemma. Even knowing that I COULD test can ruin my day. Good luck dealing with all of the test anxiety. No, I take it back. I want you to save ALL of your good luck for the test itself and the months beyond. I really hope that this is it for you.

Anonymous said...

I'm here for you in whatever way that you need for me to be. I know how hard the wait can be. Hang in there. Robyn

JenderBender said...

Hi Susan!
Just wanted to say Good Luck with everything...Sending good thoughts & wishes your way!

Jen :)

Tinker said...

I caved. I POAS this morning.