Thursday, March 15, 2007

Feeling Sick (...With Worry)

For the past couple of days, the fear has been winning.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night completely panicked that I am somehow no longer pregnant. That the heartbeat has stopped.

I know, I know, this is normal. ALL pregnant women, infertile or not, experience this fear.

Yeah, well, it still sucks.

My next ultrasound is on the 26th. That is 11 days away.

When I called last week to make the appointment with the OB, and they told me the next available time was on the 26th, I felt the panic set in immediately. My heart pounded and I felt sweat begin to bead on my forehead as I squeaked, "Isn't that a long time from now?" The nurse or secretary or whomever I was speaking with laughed and said, "Honey we never see anybody before the 8th- 10th week."

I tried to sound breezy and casual. "Oh. All right then."

But see, I'm NOT anybody. I am not your average pregnant person. I don't believe that any woman who has struggled with infertility is, regardless of how "normally" their pregnancy progresses. You see, physically speaking, I have felt two things for an entire year:

1. Completely and totally out of control of what my body decides to do. No matter how involved and informed in my treatment I chose to be, what happened inside of me was the result of my doctor's protocol and the whimsy of my reproductive system. I had no say over how many follicles developed, what size they were, the level of estrogen and progesterone in my system, etc. etc.

2. Although I couldn't control what was happening in my body, I damn sure KNEW about what was going on. I was monitored thoroughly, almost obsessively, so that my doctors and I knew what my body was doing. How many follicles, what size, estrogen level... you name it, I could recite the exact numbers.

So now, well, now I've still got number 1. But number 2 is no longer there. And, oh, how I miss it. It's hard to go from daily appointments to one every couple of weeks. I thought they would be more gradual in their weening. It was doctors who made me needy and dependent, and now they are just throwing me out into the street, expecting me to quit them almost cold turkey. It's cruel, really.

How am I supposed to wait another 11 days for another glimpse at what is going on inside of me? It feels like torture.

It's so bad that I'm considering concocting a fake emergency so that I can get in sooner. What do you think? Falling down the steps? Spotting? Skin turning bright green? Surely "obsessive irrational worries" just won't cut it?

Without medical monitoring, I'm forced to rely upon Dr. Google and my own subjective interpretation of my symptoms. Which goes a little like this:

(kneading my breasts vigorously) Well, the right one is a little sore over here. But, was it more sore yesterday? Yes, it was, I'm sure it was! And I think I only had to pee 6 times today. Surely that isn't enough. Or maybe it was 7. But I did drink lots of water, so maybe I'm just peeing because of additional water intake, not because my uterus is expanding. I think I felt queasy today, but was I really sick, or was it my imagination? Am I really craving those olives, or have I just convinced myself that I want to crave olives?!

11 more days of this? I wonder who I will drive insane first, myself or my husband.


Kate said...

Actually, a fake emergency is not that bad of an idea. Give them "I slipped down the stairs" talk, and it will get you in. 11 days is a very long time to be so fearful.

Anonymous said...

I still think you should call and ask to be seen sooner! I'll bet they'll see you. it's worth a shot.

It IS so normal though.....I have had the same conversations with myself in the early days of my pregnancies as well.


Sara said...

Ain't it the truth. I'm wondering how I will survive until my scan on Tuesday. I can't imagine trying to go 11 whole days!

Maybe they could squeeze you in for a quickie before then for mental health reasons?

Adrienne said...

You are not a regular preggo (and they should know that). Plus, you are the client, they are the vendor. If you want an u/s now, call them and tell them you want it now. If they don't tell you to come in on the very next business day, ask to talk to the doctor. Rinse and repeat.

Sarah said...

what an awful feeling. i hope they don't continue to make you wait. we really do deserve to be treated a little differently than the average pregnancy.

JenderBender said...

I hear you. That panicky feeling is not pleasant. Plus, it's hard to tell after a while if your boobs are still sore because of the pregnancy, or because we've been squeezing the bejesus out of them. :)


Hopeful Mother said...

It is pure agony waiting for ultrasounds. I am now starting to understand why TomKat bought their own machine for home... although I don't think it was due to IF paranoia... just paranoia. :-)

Lut C. said...

I'm sorry to hear you're sick with worry. There's very little you can do about that. An ultrasound will only take away the fear for so long, won't it?

I know you know your odds are pretty high, after seeing a heartbeat. And I know that isn't enough. But it's worth something. Keep telling yourself so far so good, and hang in there.

Carol said...

The waiting is torture! Can you get the RE to give you another scan?

Anonymous said...

You can definitely ask to be seen sooner! I just went through the same thing. They wanted me to wait a whole month between scans, after two years of IF treatment and 2 miscarriages. I made it two weeks, and then I started to freak out. I called and told the doctor that all of my symptoms had disappeared, and I got a scan the next day.

There is no prize for waiting patiently. You should do whatever it takes to set your mind at ease.

Melissa said...

Ugh. What a frustrating place to be.

Bumble said...

11 days is torture, but instead of using a fake emergency, try the begging route? Maybe the receptionist has a heart!? Good luck, I hope you get a LOAD of symptoms to set your mind at ease for a while x

Anonymous said...

Susan, can you give me a call this weekend? I tried to call you but your number isn't in service? I am in the book. ;)

~Sarah C.

Nicole said...

I really feel your pain here. And, I think a fake emergency isn't a crazy plan. Whatever it takes I say.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Wishing you relief and peace rather than fear and worry...

Melissa said...

Insomnia... Just checking in to see how you're doing. So, how are you doing?

Aurelia said...

I hope you make it, and I wouldn't say no to the fake emergency idea myself...if you really think you need it.