Okay, is anybody else sick of this "fear" theme yet? Because I am. It's time for me to move on. Enough is enough.
I allowed myself one final concession to the fear today. I called my new OB to see if they could see me earlier than Monday. But I was very rational. And level-headed. No fake emergencies. You would have been very proud.
The secretary kindly explained that patients rarely cancelled appointments, and Monday was absolutely the earliest time they could get me in.
But then she asked, "Are you having any problems?"
There it was. My "in". The open door leading directly to the coveted ultrasound. (In my head I pictured the ultrasound machine at the end of a dark tunnel with a ray of light shining down upon it, while in the background a churchy sounding chorus sings "aaaaahhhhh" in that way that happens in movies when something elusive is finally illuminated.) It would have been so easy to say, "Why, yes, actually I am", and fabricate some bogus concern. But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't bring myself to falsely claim some frightening symptom or experience that actually could be happening to me and that tragically does happen to many women. It just felt wrong.
So I told her the truth. "Well, I'm feeling kind of panicky."
She didn't laugh, which was really quite kind. She even said I could check back in with her to see if anything happens to open up. She is a good person, this secretary. I must remember to smile at her when I go to my appointment. We like her.
So, anyway. That was it. My last acquiescence to the fear. From now on I will be positive. Hopeful. Rosy. Upbeat, even.
Stop laughing, people, I'm trying here.
And stop taking bets on how long this will last.
Can I put fifty bucks on forty-eight hours?
12 comments:
I'm proud of you! No crying wolf!
You don't have to turn pollyanna all of the sudden, but if you can kick the fear, then do!
Hang in there! (easier said than done, huh?!) But we all understand if you need to vent "the fear". :-)
Good for you for being honest.
In general, the smart money's on the fear, but I think you're tougher than you think. Kick that fear's ass. Go ahead. Give it a kick. Then another. You can do it!
Fear is the mind killer...(sorry, channeled Dune there for a second, but it fits!) It's hard to make yourself not feel something, so give yourself a break if you don't make it to the forty-eight hour mark.
She sounds lovely, nice to have someone like that on your side. But I'm glad to hear you're holding that fear in check for a while... Not long now...
Good! Monday will be here before you know it!
Monday, Monday - here we come!
Good for you for not making something up to get in. Monday will be here soon - just keep singing Come Monday by Jimmy Buffet.... :)
congrats on the brave last acquiescence. honestly, you just sound really normal and well adjusted given the situation (i hope that doesn't sound too annoying). good luck monday. i hope a fabulously fun weekend distracts you from the rest of the wait.
You're nearly there! See how far you've made it! Way to go!! You are doing great....really! :)
~sarah
I certainly don't think there needs to be a moratorium on the fear posts. Whatever you need to write you should write :-)
Good for you for simply admitting your nervousness. And remember to smile at her!
Can't wait to hear how it went today!
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